Professor Z hands out Christmas gifts

By Aaron Ziraks
NoLogoNeeded.com Staff Writer

Everyone loves the holiday season and I am no different.  I believe that everyone should spread some holiday cheer.

Since this is Professor Z’s last article before Christmas, I decided it was only right to spread my Christmas cheer and hand out some holiday gifts to some Browns players.

To continue reading Professor Z's Christmas gift list, click "Read More."

My first gift goes to Shaun Rogers.  I am so happy that he is on the Browns and he has played his tail off.  The NFL showed their appreciation by naming him to the Pro Bowl. The only problem is the big guy needs something to wear.  Good thing the Professor is here and has bought him the Worlds Largest Hawaiian Shirt .

 

Let's see what else is in my bag of gifts. 

This one here is for Jerome Harrison and Martin Rucker.  Since they can’t get playing time on Sundays, the next best thing is to let them put themselves in the line up.  Have fun with your copies of  Madden 09 , I know you can produce it is just going to have to be at home

 

This one was tough.  What do you get a guy that has been in the league for as long as Willie McGinest has?  Well, my guess is he is going to stay in Cleveland and continue to kiss Romeo’s ass  while they both look for work.  So how about the gift that keeps on giving?  Everybody that is over 55 should not leave home without the benefits of the Golden Buckeye Card.

 

Now sometimes at Christmas you have to get someone a gift that is brutally honest, but because it is Christmas they cant get mad.  Hopefully Phil Dawson takes this constructively.  Does anyone remember the uncomfortable and awful performance of Phil’s wife singing...I mean butchering our national anthem. Take these lessons Phil and make sure she goes.

 

The next gift is for Kamerion Wimbley.  The speed move has got to go and the only way to get him out of this habit is to make him learn a different move.  We could simply coach him better, but that isn’t happening.  So the next best thing is to get him in the pool doing the swim move for hours on end to keep from drowning.

 

Poor Joe Jurievicius.  He just went underwent his seventh knee surgery since the end of last season.  I really hope he ends up in a Browns uniform next year, but that isn’t looking likely with his health problems.  So with my generosity I am giving him the ability to still play this game.  He may not be able to walk or run, but with a scooter from the Scooter Store he will be back driving routes in no time

When we signed Donte’ Stallworth I always thought something was a little off about giving a guy a $35 million contract that has never really produced all that much.  I couldn’t quite put my finger on what it was, but when I saw this gift I new what was missing, this genuine ski mask worn by bank robbers all over the world.

 

Now I understand some people have minor disabilities, for example I wear glasses. Having bad eyes is nothing I can control, so I choose to wear glasses so I can see better.  I hope this gift for Andre Davis will help him with his depth perception.  He obviously has no idea where the line of scrimmage is or he would be trying to make tackles behind it instead of seven yards down field.  The Visual Performance X Trainer should do the trick for him.

 

If anyone needs holiday cheer this season, it is Braylon Edwards.  He is upset that the fans don’t appreciate him and has had quite the case of the dropsies this year.  Hang in there Braylon, I got you covered.  Some might be thinking Stick Um, but I know that he has tried that and he needs something stronger.  Leave it to a genius like myself to provide the perfect solution, Mighty Putty.  I called right when I saw the commercial and got some for Darnell Dinkins at no extra charge too.  If you can pull a semi truck with out the Mighty Putty coming unstuck, it has to help with catching the football.

 

I don’t know how much Kellen Winslow reads, but I think he should take a look at this book.  Lets face it, Kellen has had quite the attitude and has never really gotten along with management.  So I present to him the book, 45 Thing You Do That Drive Your Boss Crazy – And How To Avoid Them.  I’m sure one of the 45 is to avoid rashes on your twig and berries because staph has been a problem in Cleveland if you haven’t heard.

 

Speaking of Winslow’s boss, I have the perfect gift for Phil Savage.  After the Winslow saga about staph, he suspended and then lifted the suspension.  As the General Manager you need to have a back bone and be confident.  That is hard to do when you are 5’4”.  Problem solved with these “little people” shoe lifts.  In the blink of an eye Savage will be strutting around at an imposing 5’6” and have all the confidence in the world.  I also got Phil a book about email etiquette since obviously doesn’t have that club in his bag.

 

Brady Quinn was a hard guy to shop for since he is a golden boy and has the world in the palm of his hand.  He gets women, has endorsements, and stands to make a ton of money next year.  So I started thinking about another Cleveland athlete in the same boat, LeBron James.  Obviously LeBron could buy anything he wanted and the one thing that he decided when he built his house was he wanted a barber shop on site so he could always look his best.  Now I understand that Brady is working hard and doesn’t always have time for a hair cut which he desperately needs.  I found this barber –for –hire in Arizona that is willing to fly here and give you a high and tight instead of the fluffy 1980’s blow dry cut you always get. 

 

 

I can’t forget Derek Anderson.  I have never been a big fan, but I can’t leave you off the list since we have spent so many Sundays together over the past year and a half.  This is an honest gift and from the heart.  I am sending you to quarterback camp!  It says that they work on accuracy and throwing motion which should help you out a lot.  Look! One of the guys that goes to camp there just won a high school state title in Florida and went 7-9 for 40 yards and a touchdown and was named MVP.  The future is bright for you Derek, just put the work in at camp.

Last but certainly not least, is our dear friend Romeo Crennel.  I know you will be looking for a job in the near future and the stress of getting fired will probably lead to long nights spent at all you can eat type places.  The problem is you can’t wear sweat pants to an interview, so I got you these elastic waist dress pants so he can look sharp and still pack on the pounds.  But I am getting ahead of myself.  You are going to be getting paid until 2011 so why not take up a hobby in your spare time.  I saw something in the news about someone who looked exactly like you playing a saxophone and they got a lot of publicity.  Maybe this is your true calling, so from the bottom of my heart I want to present you with this saxophone.  Who knows, maybe you can look that guy up and play some duets together.  Are you sure you don’t have a twin?