Now, I know most coaches don’t get the chance to offer this sort of access to the fans so you should consider yourself lucky that the Voice of Reason tweaked a hammy in walk-throughs for this column and was unable to go today.  I know it may seem a surprise to all of you, but he has been banging these columns out week after week while harboring an injury - only previously he had been able to work through it. He knows his body and what he can and can’t do.  I trust him on his judgment that he can’t go this week.  I want all the readers to know that he has not quit on this column, or this website.  I want to make that clear right now.  No one has quit on this Web site.

That reminds of the trickiest part about being a head coach in the National Football League - finding ways to motivate and relate to your players.  I find that the best way to form a respectable bond between player and coach is to not hold the players accountable for any of their actions.  Since I am much older than all of them, they look at me as a grandfatherly figure.  You know, one they can count on to sneak them candy before dinner and not bench them when they fail to do the most basic of job functions for their position.  I like to think of myself as a big, cuddly gray-haired panda.  Everyone likes old fat pandas and everyone likes me.  Especially Willie - (Willie likes me so much that I once overheard him say he can’t even imagine being on a roster without me).

I mean really, what good would come of me coming down on players not performing up to their full potential?  Would me yelling motivate them?  I don’t think so.   It’s not like they’re not trying.  The players and I have a mutual bond of respect and out of respect for that respectful bond they go out and they play hard for me.  Look at Ken Dorsey.  Last week he was holding a clipboard, because that’s where I wanted him.  But then I wanted him to go into the game because that other quarterback who I named the starter, then benched, then started again got hurt.  (Note to self: trade the injured quarterback next year.) 

But Kenny was out there running around getting pummeled, doing it out of respect for me, because that’s what I asked him to do.  See, everyone loves them some RAC.

Another way I have found to relate to players is to find things you both have in common.  For example, Phil Dawson and I both love the number three and things that come in threes.  When I go to Panera in the morning to get my bear claws I always have the nice girl behind the counter cut two of the five toes off each one (and of course I get three).  At first she didn’t get why I wanted them this way, but after the Dallas game I think my love of all things three was apparent.  Now, I don’t even have to ask for her to do this because when I show up, they are already prepped and ready to eat.  Yum!  In fact, I love the number three so much that I have forbidden the team from scoring anything but field goals for the last three games.  I may do it for the next three games as well!  Heck, even my doctor loves the number three – he set my goal weight at 333 pounds.

Having been in the National Football League for 27 years, I’ve learned a lot of things about the game of football.  What I’m sure a lot of outsiders don’t know is that games are LONG!  I know the clock only says 60 minutes, but sometimes a game can take almost four hours to finish.  But, because it’s almost Christmas time I’ll let you in on my little secrets that I have devised to help pass the time during games.

Secret #1 – Bring snacks.  And lots of them.  I have snacks hidden all over sideline and locker room.  The trick is to hide them real good so Shaun Rogers and Corey Williams can’t find them and eat them first.  If you don’t have time to buy them before the game, have the rookies bring you in some Krispy Kremes.  If those rookies forget your dozen maple éclairs, well then they get benched.  Ask Beau Bell and Martin Rucker about that!

Secret #2 – Plug your headset into your walkman, that way you can listen to whatever you want.  This past week I was learning to speak Canadian with the help of the Rosetta Stone CD.  I figured since I was going to get fired in a few weeks I would start learning Canadian so I look more marketable to the Canadian Football League.  I really would love a job up there, what with all the free health care and all.  Plus, if you end up singing along, or repeating the phrases you’re learning, it just looks like you’re talking into your mic.  What to know what I learned during the Tennessee game – “Take me to the Tim Horton’s, eh.”

Secret #3 – Have the equipment guy hide the challenge flag before the game.  This little activity makes game days exciting.  You see, you have to find it fast in case you need it.  When Cribbs threw that pass to that nice young man Braylon Edwards, I do think he was in bounds, I just hadn’t found the challenge flag yet.  (You know why I like Braylon so much?  He promised me at the beginning of the year that he would buy me a pie for every ball he dropped.  He respects ol’ RAC so much he wants to see me happy.  I love that kid.)  You know when I did find that flag - at home, in the shower.  That crafty equipment guy hid that thing under my left man boob and I didn’t even know it was there until it fell out in the shower.  That was a good hiding place – I may have to start keeping my snacks there!

Secret #4 – Practice improvisational comedy.  You can entertain yourself this way for hours.  When I was in New England we learned to steal other team’s signals with video equipment and spies.  Now that I’m not there anymore, and I know teams are trying to figure out what’s about to happen by watching me, sometime’s I’ll just do things to mess with them so that when they get around to watching the tape they get really confused.  My personal favorite is just standing completely still, not moving, or talking.  I’ve done this for the entire four quarters once!  It was great!  A new one I’m working on involves holding my play card upside down and staring at it like I’m confused.  This one is gonna be great!

The hardest part about being a head coach of a terrible team is finding ways to stay positive.  In addressing the team post game, I could see the D’Qwell Jackson was down about getting out run by the Titans’ fullback and tight end.  This kind of attitude has no place in a player’s head so I told him to focus on the positives, like his two interceptions or the fact that he actually saw the field.  It could have been worse, I said, he could be Jerome Harrison.

These conflict resolution skills of mine are what makes me such a good head coach.  Who cares if I’m terrible at math and don’t show much emotion (besides you, Bubbles)?  Head coach is nothing but an upper management-like job – merely a figure head position while the underlings do all the work (heck, why do you think coordinators get fired more than head coaches – they’re the one’s doing all of the work!).  I’m here to make players like me and feel good about themselves, that’s it.

I hope you’ve enjoyed this interesting look inside the life of a head coach.  Hopefully the Voice of Reason will rest up and be ready to go for next week’s column, but if not, I’m sure I can fill in again – I’ve got all sorts of free time headed my way.